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Flat Packing Anger Management
I’ve already spent my weekend
in a flat pack store that drove me round the bend
But grab your tool, let's make this bed
forever we can rest our weary heads
And sometimes we'll have sex...
Unless you've been a dick and then I kick you out.
Slip section A into section C
this isn't how I dreamt my life would… (be)
It’s not C it's B….
I wish my love could tell a wrench from a spanner
At least I have an acceptable bedside manner.
Chorus:
Flat Packing Anger Management
Are you sure I'm over Ikea's age of consent
This screwdriver spells self-destruction
Maybe I should've read the instructions
Baby don't give up on me
It’s simple they've given us an alun key
I’m throwing in the towel.
Not now, I've found the missing dowel.
Oh, I love ya.
Chorus:
Flat Packing Anger Management
All we need is a little Dutch encouragement.
But not too much and don't do it on your own
4000 deaths a year in accidents at home
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2. |
Consensual Stalking
02:51
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3. |
Rats
03:09
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4. |
Personal Space
02:12
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5. |
We're In This Together
02:54
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Well I think I may have gone too far
Now I’ve got George Osborne in the boot of my car
I’ve got George in the boot of my car
Yeah, I’ve got George Osborne in the boot of my car
Got George in the boot of my car
I’m gonna have to see this through ’til the end.
Snuck him into my house in the dead of night
My girlfriend said, ‘you gave me a fright’
She said ‘I think I know this fella’
I said, ‘hush just help me get him into the cellar’
And she was really helpful she held open the trapdoor while I bundled him in
See, that’s commitment, that’s love. Although she is from Salford.
She said, ‘I’m pretty sure that I recognise him
although all I can see are his eyes’
That’s cos I’d gaffer taped his entire mouth area
And he said, ‘Mmm, Mmm, Mmmm, Mm, Mm, Mmm, Mmm, Mm, Mmmm, Mm, Mmmmm, Mmmmmmm, Mmm-mm-mm’
So I peeled back the gaffer tape ’cos I’m not a maniac.
George let out a scream of dread and fear
And I just said, ‘calm down dear.’
He said, ‘will you untie my tethers?’
I said, ‘no George we’re in this together.’
And he said, ‘technically that’s not right, because you’ve kidnapped me and now you’re holding me hostage illegally.’ And I said, ‘well you’ve just proved my point for me George, haven’t you? Nyah!’
We’re in this together
Me and George, down in my cellar
He said, ‘it’s not that nice down here, Matt, please excuse me.’
I said George, ‘What did you expect an underground Jacuzzi?’
George you’ve got disdain for people you see
Try to cut tax credits, and raise VAT
He said, ‘your politics are too simplistic.’
So I drew a cock n balls on his face with a lipstick
We’re in this together
Me and George Osborne in my cellar
Like Katie Hopkins and her vile ideas
Like Donald Trump and his repugnant hair
Like a Pig and a Prime Minister
We’re in this together
We’re in this together
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6. |
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Here are the translated lyrics....
Song Title: Henri the Amorous Lorry Driver
It was on the road to Brittany that I saw a vision
Of a man with facial hair that didn’t raise suspicion
You looked like such a man’s man
A big man at the wheel I didn’t know you had a plan
Were you impressed by the size of my thumb?
That I stuck out by the road, oh I was so young
With your beard and manly looks, I had no reason to be afraid
But sometimes looks can be deceptive
So you thought it was okay to stop
Jump out for a wee by the roadside I didn’t think
That you would beckon me out to look at the thing in your hand.. what did you think I would do
Chorus:
Oh Henri, Henri please let me go
I don’t wanna touch your penis today
Oh Henri you seem like a reasonable, if somewhat troubled man
So I just said ‘Shall we go?’ and we carried on….
Although there was a rather strange atmosphere…
Oh Henri, Henri It’s not a problem that you are bisexual or gay
I do hope that you come to terms with your sexuality,
but I don’t think this is the way it is done
Taking advantage of young English boys a long way from home
Is not the way to come out if you’re a sexually frustrated gay lorry driving man
Oh Henri, Henri thanks for dropping me on the right road
I’m sorry that I wasn’t interested in touching your penis today
Oh Henri you seem like a reasonable, if somewhat troubled man
So I just said ‘Shall we go?’ and we carried on
Although I did spend the rest of the journey shitting myself thinking he was going to kill me
But I’m glad this story doesn’t have a dark twisted murderous ending, my friend
I just said goodbye to a red faced French lorry driver called Henri
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7. |
High as a Kite
02:05
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I’m high as a kite cos I’m with you
Oh I’m high as a kite cos I’m with you
And sometimes we’re up, sometimes we’re down
sometimes we’re flying and sometimes we’re crying
We get up again and we keep trying cos I’m high as a kite cos I’m with you...
Take you up on a grassy hill by the sea, is the kite a metaphor for you and me
No it’s not cos we’re still together, the kite didn’t fly, but I blame the weather
One minute there’s sun, then the rain and the wind comes, a day by the British coast can give you four seasons
The kite won’t fly cos the wind is too gusty
But at least that blows away anything that is fusty
If the kite is blown and the lines get tangled
Above the clouds the stars are still spangled
I’m high as a kite cos I’m with you
Oh I’m high as a kite cos I’m with you
And sometimes we’re up, sometimes we’re down
sometimes we’re flying and sometimes we’re crying
We get up again and we keep trying cos I’m high as a kite cos I’m with you...
I’m high as a kite cos I’m with you
Oh I’m high as a kite cos I’m with you
And sometimes we’re up, sometimes we’re down
sometimes we’re flying and sometimes we’re crying
We get up again and we keep trying, cos I’m high as a kite cos I’m with you...
and I’m not on drugs.
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Matt Tiller UK
Hello. I am a comic songwriter described as ‘Hilarious’ by New Statesman and ’Sharp and astutely observed’ by British Comedy Guide. I write and performs personal, observational and political songs. My controversial tune, We’re In This Together, garnered some great reviews; Indie Band Guru wrote, ‘Looking away from the astounding melody and tune, the lyrics themselves are hysterical.’ ... more
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